My first DitV Town - feedback please

I'm going to run DitV for an upcoming con in a couple weeks. Been trying to get a town fleshed out. I think I'm mostly with what I have at this point, but I'd like some opinions. Anything to help grab the PC's more or fill in any holes I've missed:


Dogs: 4 Players to be named

1A PRIDE: Brother Thaddeus is dead. Sister Patience (related to PC1) doesn’t want to remarry. Instead she wants to remain single and have Stewardship over her family.

1B INJUSTICE: Brother Elijah (related to PC2) would be the perfect candidate to marry and take care of Patience and her children. His oldest children have moved out and his house and farm could use the extra hands.

2A SIN: Patience has been lying to the town about her husband's absence. She claims he had to leave town, but the other townsfolk are starting to wonder.

2B DEMONIC ATTACKS: Brother Elijah’s livestock and crops are starting to do poorly -- crops drying up, stillbirths, cows not producing milk, chickens not producing eggs, etc.

3A FALSE DOCTRINE: Meanwhile, Brother Josiah’s farm (related to PC3) is thriving. Brother Elijah believes Josiah to be consorting with demons, ruining his farm and benefiting Josiah’s.

3B CORRUPT WORSHIP: Brother Elijah begins burning Brother Josiah in effigy, believing it will ward off the demons.

6A THE PEOPLE:
Sister Patience wants to be left alone and allowed to run her household in Thaddeus’ absence.

Brother Elijah wants the Dogs to help his farm, especially by stopping Josiah from any further demonic worship.

Brother Josiah wants the dogs to straighten Elijah out and get him to stop making threats at his farm.

6B THE DEMONS
The demons want Elijah to go further in his attempts against Josiah.
They want Patience to lie as much as necessary to keep from being found out.
They want the Dogs to belief Elijah -- they’ll do whatever they can to implicate Josiah in demonic activity.

6C IF THE DOGS NEVER CAME
Josiah and Elijah’s feud would eventually come to a bloody head, resulting in the death of one or both of them.

----------
I sort of purposely only made relations for 3 PCs. The slot is for 4 people, but with cons you never know. I wasn't sure if it'd be better to plan on 4 and maybe have something in the town not draw them in as quick or leave a PC without a relationship in the town and push to get them involved anyway (maybe as a neutral party).

I'm certainly open to suggestions of where to fit in a 4th NPC/relationship.

Hi

This scenario lacks some drama. It is very simple, motivations between Josiah and Elijah are mutually exclusive: if Dogs help one of them, they wouldn't help the other (too easy!). And do you really want to say: "Is she only married him (even if he cannot ask), everything would be ok"?

With this Pride I would think about what St. Patience did with the corpse - maybe someone knows and she threats him with beating? or pays her? (great injustice).

CW - burning the effigy is super cool. What now? Is Elijahs really burning effigy of Josiah's and noone notices? What does Steward think and do (4th PC could be connected with Steward) - and maybe he says it's a good idea for banishing demons? Other people? Maybe Elijahs make other people feel envy too! (--> cult).

I would take it further. Elijah burned the effigy, so it is a sorcery - his home is burned, maybe someone's dead or injured (someone innocent? his oldest son? looked like effigy:) ).

What people want: all of them have families. Does sister Patience have children? any adult son in the house? what they want? What about Josiah's and Elijah's wives? The want to stop Elijah's madness or are in cult?

I wrote a town Birch Grove with same Pride. There was some sex and at least one dead body (possibly more) (scenario without sex and violence doesn't count, as i used to say). If you'd like I could translate it here.

(Pardon my English, it is not my first language).

Thanks! I've got some feedback from another friend as well. Also I ran a one-shot for my regular gaming group using a pre-made town from the book. I feel like I have a better grasp on where to add drama.

So I'm working on making some revisions in the next few days to try and make it pop a little better.

Take it up to hate and murder!

Dogs in the Vineyard is detective fiction, noir, in Western clothes. Its core is "the investigators arrive at the crime scene." It needs a murder to work.

-Vincent

Yeah, I don't know why I didn't take it all the way to Hate & Murder. Especially since this is for a Con game. I should absolutely pull out all the stops!

Sitting on this for a few days and inspiration finally struck. I had the idea to make someone (probably Sister Patience) an ex-Dog. It should 1) make her more sympathetic and 2) make her more formidable. Also, if I can manage to make her a Sorcerer? Ex-Dog + Sorcerer (and being possessed when it comes to it)? That should be an awesome showdown.

Going to be doing some major revisions, but a lot of the broad strokes will be the same.

Second draft is coming along MUCH better. Definitely a lot more compelling. I'm really happy with how it's shaping up so far.

Google Doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lpULdI_awUYfiFUtHNHk9gQ5ZwNEx6-3z48luJcYyNc/edit

I'm stuck at Sorcery, though. I'm having a hard time figuring out what Sister Patience/the demons/the cult would do at that point. Everything I can think of seems to point a big finger in her direction, but I'm trying hard to make her seem as innocent as possible. So, I'm stuck on what sorcery she might do that wouldn't be obviously in her favor. I think once I get that, then Hate & Murder will fall into place as well as firming up some of what the people & demons want.

Appreciate any ideas and further feedback.

First: please, stop blaming the women.

The events in the second version aren't connected. For example: what will happen if Dogs banish Patience from the town? I can't see anyone complaining about it. Same for other characters in town.

1A - "perfectly good suitors" -what does it exactly mean?
1B - it is her job to keep the courtship proper, so: no injustice from her (maybe it is a sin), anyway how is she leading them on?
2a - it's rather injustice (maybe 2a and then 1b)
2b - ok
3a ridiculous. it doesn't make any sense. False doctrine is invented so that a sinner won't feel bad. If it would be reason "she know she did bad", the whole story is over.
3b, 4a - ok
4b - let's take your case: she could help Steward. Let her pray for his recovery (as he is her ally - he doesn't force her to remarry) - you'll achieve that she wouldn' be a bad bad person.   

What they want _from Dogs_. I know that Patience wants to stay single, but what does she ask? Josiahs&Elijahs wants are again mutually exclusive.

This draft lacks details about characters. What about Patience's family, was she born in this town, what about her past as a Dog? Would be better if J&E were different, now they almost twins.

In the first draft there were some cool ideas: Patience lying about her husband's death, the effigy. It's a pity you removed this, and gave nothing instead. 

First: please, stop blaming the women.

I'm not sure what you  mean by this.