New skin: the Mummy

Hello, I tried to make new skins.

My first one, the Feline, is finished but not fully satisfying me. Thematically this skin teases a lot but can't assume after. She tends to think herself as really capable and able to do things by herself, meaning she can go in a spiral of loneliness by not having the courage to ask help or recognize she is like everibody. Maybe I'll come back on this later if you're interested.

My Mummy is nearly finished and seems better to me. I'll try to translate what I wrote (english is not my first language) and hope it will "inspire" you. Like the Mortal she lives by her relationship with her "only" love, unlike the Mortal she's not the parasite but the support of her lover. My comments in italic

Introductive text:
not written for the moment (yes I finish my work with the introductive text, but I put playing the mummy just below so you can see the skin's theme)

Playing the mummy 
Caring, devoted, exclusive. The mummy comes back century after century only by the power of her love. For her everything is already written, their love is immortal and not to be discussed. In her memories, hazed by time and reincarnation, everything was perfect between them. In fact this love acts as an anchor and this anchor can change. If it happens, the mummy will try to requalify her relationship with her anchor as a love relation cause that's all she knows, and she will be the pilar of this new relationship ready to defend it against anybody.

Name:
I gave the egyptian names to my Feline,so if you have ideas, I also need a photo \o/
An antiquity name, A name evoking renewal,

Look:
Emaciated, Sculptural, Myrrh and cinnamon smell (what they put inside mummies), No hair nor hairs
Void eyes, Burning eyes, Amber eyes, too much khôl

Origin
Rejuvenated mummy, Aztec mummy, Osirian, Master of the samsara 

Backstory
Choose last, but before the Mortal, who is your love reincarnated. He is your first anchor. You've got 2 strings against him (you know him well), he's got 1 against you.
You have a confident, he's got 1 string against you.

Hot +1 Cold  -1 Volatile  -1 Dark +1

Moves
You have the first and choose one other
-Eternal love: this is your anchor, what binds your soul to this world. You can change it when you escape your darkest self. You always have +1 on your test to protect your anchor or the relation you have with it.
-Unswerving support: when you assit your anchor, you count as a gang
-Veiled eyes: when you ignore blatant problem in the relationship you have with your anchor, mark experience
-In an other life: apart from modern sciences and technologies you have a vast experience, cause you lived numerous lifes during the last millenia
-Consecrated temple: you know the abyss well and some related rituals cause your soul dwells there between two reincarnations. When you gaze into the abyss from your temple and with some ceremonial, add 1 to your test.
-Astral projection: when you project your spirit, leaving your comatose body behind, to observe a scene elsewhere, test to gaze into the abyss and 1 to your test. After the scene, when you get back to your body, you get the condition "exhausted"
-Name magic: spend your strings on someone, one for one, to inflict direct damage to him. Insects come out from every holes, he's sweating blood or bile, his flesh rips open. It's mandatory to see your target, but you must spend an additionnal string to do this. For this move only, you can use Tokens like a Witch

Advancement:
your gang is composed of priests of Isis or equivalent

Sex move
You take care of your anchor, who loses all Conditions he has, but you gain the Condition "need reassurance". This goes off easily if your love is attentive to you without you asking for it.
If you have sex with someone else for the first time, you mark experience and he looses a string against you as he never thought you'll react like this.

Darkest self
You doubt your love. It's not him, not him anymore... Your loyalty to him across centuries has not been rewarded and the strenght which drawn you out of death's grip is faltering. Your soul leave your comatose body for the abyss*
To escape your darkest self, someone must gaze into the abyss to find you and convince you of coming back. Once you returned, he is your new anchor. 

*Maybe the soulless and desiccated corpse can hunt people to drain them of their life force instead of being comatose. Like this the player won't be too passive.

Hoping I'll have some comments ^^

Not bad, but I had a few comments.  I hope they make sense.

Unswerving support: I could be wrong, it's too late to check the rules now, but I believe that, unlike Apocalypse World, acting as a gang doesn't mean anything in Monsterhearts.  I think you mean 'act at an advantage'.

Veiled Eyes: to a casual glance, this looks identical to a mortal move.  Bad form.  I understand why it's there, but it should be different in a way that emphasizes the difference in the relationship between a mummy and a mortal.

Consecrated temple seems a little weak.  Rather than a +1, I think it might be better if it let you do something you can't usually do when gazing into the abyss.  No ideas at the moment (it's late here.  Maybe later.), but the thought's there.

Name Magic: do you mean 'it's not mandatory to see your target, but if you can't, you need to spend an extra string to use the power'?
Also: I disapprove of being able to use tokens here.  It features no-where else in the playbook, is taken from another playbook and generally is unnecessary.

Darkest self: simply terrible.  The Darkest Self is when the safety lights go off and the character becomes a true monster.  In this DS, they lie down for a nap.  Definitely, definitely, go with the version where they feed off the life force of others to sustain themselves.  Perhaps exit the darkest self when you transfer your lover's soul to a more deserving host?

Anyway, those are just my thoughts.  Hope they help.

Hello, and thanks for your comments

Unswerving: a gang is +1 to test or +1 to damage.

Veiled eyes is the Mortal move:  as I needed to change a little terminology, I changed the name a little bit. It’s difficult to have moves representative of what you think “fit the theme” and exclude all existent moves on the basis that they can be taken  from other skins with advancement

Consecrated temple:  maybe a time linked effect, kind of psychometry

Name magic: you suppose right. Instead of tokens, maybe a move that would allow to harvest some Strings (aura reading instead of veiled eyes ? It’s becoming very auspex centered but I like this ^^)

Darkest self: I agree about becoming a “true monster” but not all are (nor should in my mind) about rampaging (ghost). If I go with  the desiccated monster feeding of life force (ghoul/vampire like)part, it would be to be sure that the player isn’t bored paying a comatose/narcoleptic body, and that other players are really motivated to find a solution, cause the mummy doesn’t calm down by being locked down for an hour like a ghoul.

I thought about the body-swapping soul (à la Nephilim ), but it would too easily allow to escape a teenager body. I’m not sure what you meant : “my lover is a pig so I transfer is soul to a pig and I’m done with my Darkest self” ?

I like the general idea, though I'd change the name to something more generic than 'mummy', which tends to say 'Egyptian' to most Americans, I think. The Awoken? The Ancient Dead? The Sleeper?

I dig the idea that you're obsessively looking for your reincarnated beloved. It seems to me that your Darkest Self is indulging your appetite to recapture your ancient glory, going overboard with treating your modern-day friends and enemies as you would have back in the old days when you ruled all you surveyed.

This is the germ of a potentially really coll skin, keep working on it!

Hello, good idea for the Darkest self, but I think I'll stick to the eternal love themed one at first. The Sleeper is cool !

After minor changes, when your darkest self is awoken, and your soul waiting for someone to show interest in it, you're sociopath in a desicating body (1 harm per 6 hour) that can only heal by sucking life energy from living people.

Consecrated temple I went with the "no time limit" for vision in the past

Veiled eyes has been changed for Ka vision: you can perceive auras and various part of the soul, roll+dark 10+ choose between gaining a string or knowing all the target's Conditions. 7-9, choose but gain the Condition "Blinded" for the scene (you can't readjust your senses). 6- gain Blinded for the scene  

Now I'll wait a potential testing and return before modifying, but it can't take a long long time. Only have one play table with programmed 2nd and 3rd session and it seems difficult to find people for a second table. Also have a Feline skin to test (I tease/I assume nothing cause I'm free/I don't need anybody/ I'm alone because I told everybody I didn't need them)